Fast forward to February 2020....
I am still walking the path, still wondering where it will lead, and still a little afraid of it all, and I have learned that there are new ways of being alone.
I was alone as a child, more than I think I really understood, I filled my time with my imagination, I had friends for the most part but they were inconsistent, and home was empty.
I was alone as a teenager, figuring things out the hard way...paying the price..and learning, I had friends there as well which filled the hole that I didn't understand, I think for a time this was when I was least lonely...for a time....
I was alone in my marriage. Two people living in the same house, dancing around each other. I learned to pretend, and denied what it was, ever hopeful that it would get better. Some days I would get sucked into the hole, but I had my children, and extended family who pulled me back out to face it all again. I often slept through this phase of loneliness, and I lost myself.
And now, I am alone in my later years....Yet, this type of alone has been difficult because I can't hide from it, I have no one to distract me or pull me out of it. I am learning that there is alone and there is solitude, and that there is good in both.
Solitude is the state of being alone.--it is those moments that you want nothing more than to get away from everyone and everything for a little while. This I am familiar with. I craved solitude during my marriage. The need to be away was constant. I found peace in those moments. They gave me the strength to face the emptiness I had to return to. I still love solitude but not in the way I once did, I do not crave it, I just enjoy it.
The word alone comes from a combination of the Middle English words "all" and "one," A person who is alone is all-in-one, there is no one else, just me, myself, and I.
A song I have grown to love says...
"When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well
There's still someone that I can tell my troubles to....
Me, myself, and I will never be alone
We'll find a way to get along, and we'll be fine
When all that's left is me, myself, and I"
Being in this phase of "alone", I am learning to like myself in new ways. Being alone with me, myself and I has opened my eyes to who I can become, and what I am capable of. I have no limits except those I set on myself. No fears except those I allow to live in my heart. I am as strong as I choose to be. I began this journey while seeking solitude and now, when I come home, I come home to me, and that's ok.
"The hardest walk is walking alone,
but it's also the walk that makes you the strongest"
Now, to be clear, I do not want to be alone...I have just learned to be alright with it.
I once read "We enter the world alone, we leave the world alone, so we might as well be alone." I reject this wholeheartedly. We are not meant to be alone.
I long for a real connection to someone, to share our lives together, to miss an be missed. I love being with others, human connection is a powerful antidote for loneliness. So until that time comes, I will continue to build my relationship with me. I am a pretty complex, but amazing person, and I have just begun to scratch the surface....
