The Day I Lost My Smile.

 The day I lost my smile.

I never liked my smile, whenever I took pictures or selfies on vacations, I never really liked what I saw. I would take a few trying to get it to look… right. I just never liked it, until I lost it. 

It started with a tingling sensation in my left cheek, that ran up into my eye, it was random, not continual, it would just be there and then not. I had a tooth on that side that had always given me trouble, so I went to my dentist and explained what I was feeling. She checked it out, replaced the old filling and said to let her know if it continued. 

A few months later the tingling returned, more frequently, so back to the dentist I went. 

She tried a few more things and declared that the tooth would need a root canal. Yay… She gave me the name of a dentist and I set the appointment for the following week. 

When I arrived at the dental office, the dentist looked at the x-ray and decided to take another one to “check on something”. He then pronounced that the tooth was not worth doing a root canal on and should be pulled. It was a back tooth so it would not be an issue. Of course, he could not do it, since he specialized in root canals, and my regular dentist would not pull one with the issues mine had. I asked him if this could be the cause of the “tingling sensation”, which was the real issue with all of this. He said it might be, it was close to the sinuses and could be irritating them. 

Not a real answer… 

So, I was sent to yet another dental office who told me they could not see me for three weeks, and that was just for a consultation. Feeling I had no options I made the appointment, explaining the concern about the tooth, and the tingling sensation. They said they would make a note about the concern. 

What does this all have to do with loosing my smile? Well, that part is coming. 

A week later the tingling sensation returned, more frequently and with more intensity. I called my dentist and said I needed to get in to see someone sooner and asked for a recommendation. I was able to get one with a different dental office for the following week. I felt frustrated but at least it was a real appointment to get the dang thing pulled and hopefully stop the tingling up into my eye, which was causing tension headaches making it hard to work. 

The following Monday was President’s day. Three days before my appointment. 

I woke up feeling strange, the tingling was persistent and did not fade away like normal. As the day progressed my eye dried out and left side of my mouth became numb. Since it was a holiday there was no one at the dental office, and even after leaving a voicemail on the answering service no one returned the call. I still attributed the sensation to my tooth, and neither of the dentists I had seen so far had suggested anything else, so I never considered seeing a doctor or going to the emergency room. By the end of the day the left side of my face was slack, and my eye would not close. 

First thing the next morning I called the dental office and asked to be seen as soon as possible. I explained what happened and they were able to get me in that morning. I drove there, which probably was not the best idea, but I was still thinking, “pull the tooth, and all will be well”. 

I sat in the dental chair, the dental assistant did all her prep work, being kind and friendly like they do, and then I waited for the dentist. When he entered the room, he took one look and said, “It looks like you have some Bell’s Palsy going on”.

I had no idea what Bell’s Palsy was, did it have something to do with my tooth?

He explained briefly that it was a virus that attacks the nerves in the face. He told me it may or may not reverse, and that if it had been caught sooner there were some antibiotics that might have prevented it. He then left to prepare to remove the tooth. I remember taking out my cell phone and typing in the term “Bells Palsy”, I read what little I could find in that short time, nothing was very reassuring. “Rare”. “Paralyzed facial muscles”, “six to nine months”, “may not reverse”. 

Needless to say, the tooth was pulled, and “all was not well.” 

I woke the next day to see a stranger in the mirror. The left side of her face was slack and puffy, the left corner of her mouth dragging down, her left eye stuck in an open stare. I did not know her, her eyes did not sparkle, and her smile, the one I did not like, well it was gone, warped into something that seemed…ugly. I cried a lot that first week, and into the next few weeks, although the tears became less frequent. 

My sister, who sees things very differently than me, told me there is beauty in what she sees in my face. I would like to believe that, but it is hard when I look in the mirror every day and see a stranger. 

The uncertainty of ever seeing myself in the mirror again was frightening and with each day discouraging. I felt nothing on the left side of my face, no tears flowed from that eye, no dimple, no lines across my forehead. I missed my lines, it looked so odd to see them only on the right side. I started acupuncture and several holistic approaches to accelerate the healing process, I soon came to realize that they were helpful, but time was what was needed, time, patience, and faith. 

I am now three months into this journey. My smile is still lost, but I can see signs, small though they may be that it is still in there. If it returns, I am not sure it will be the one that I lost. At this point I am not sure that matters anymore, the stranger I see has become a friend of sorts, we are sharing the pain of discovery as nerves reawaken, as an ear receives sound, as an eye creates moisture. We are walking that path together and connecting in a deeper way. When all is said and done I hope I never forget her, and that I learn to love whatever smile she leaves me with.

October 2018...that was the last time I added my thoughts to this place. I had started down a path, one that I had not planned, although in some ways I had seen it coming. A divergent path I called it...I asked, "Where do I go from here?" and in an open honest moment I expressed my fear of what the future holds.

Fast forward to February 2020....

I am still walking the path, still wondering where it will lead, and still a little afraid of it all, and I have learned that there are new ways of being alone.

I was alone as a child, more than I think I really understood, I filled my time with my imagination, I had friends for the most part but they were inconsistent, and home was empty.

I was alone as a teenager, figuring things out the hard way...paying the price..and learning, I had friends there as well which filled the hole that I didn't understand, I think for a time this was when I was least lonely...for a time....

I was alone in my marriage. Two people living in the same house, dancing around each other. I learned to pretend, and denied what it was, ever hopeful that it would get better. Some days I would get sucked into the hole, but I had my children, and extended family who pulled me back out to face it all again. I often slept through this phase of loneliness, and I lost myself.

And now, I am alone in my later years....Yet, this type of alone has been difficult because I can't hide from it, I have no one to distract me or pull me out of it. I am learning that there is alone and there is solitude, and that there is good in both.

Solitude is the state of being alone.--it is those moments that you want nothing more than to get away from everyone and everything for a little while. This I am familiar with. I craved solitude during my marriage. The need to be away was constant. I found peace in those moments. They gave me the strength to face the emptiness I had to return to. I still love solitude but not in the way I once did, I do not crave it, I just enjoy it.

The word alone comes from a combination of the Middle English words "all" and "one," A person who is alone is all-in-one, there is no one else, just me, myself, and I.

A song I have grown to love says...

"When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well
There's still someone that I can tell my troubles to....
Me, myself, and I will never be alone
We'll find a way to get along, and we'll be fine
When all that's left is me, myself, and I"

Being in this phase of "alone", I am learning to like myself in new ways. Being alone with me, myself and I has opened my eyes to who I can become, and what I am capable of. I have no limits except those I set on myself. No fears except those I allow to live in my heart. I am as strong as I choose to be. I began this journey while seeking solitude and now, when I come home, I come home to me, and that's ok.

                                         "The hardest walk is walking alone, 
                               but it's also the walk that makes you the strongest"

Now, to be clear, I do not want to be alone...I have just learned to be alright with it. 

I once read "We enter the world alone, we leave the world alone, so we might as well be alone." I reject this wholeheartedly. We are not meant to be alone. 

I long for a real connection to someone, to share our lives together, to miss an be missed. I love being with others, human connection is a powerful antidote for loneliness. So until that time comes, I will continue to build my relationship with me. I am a pretty complex, but amazing person, and I have just begun to scratch the surface.... 

A divergent path

A divergent path- a route separate from another route, 

especially a main one, leading in a different direction.

Thus has my life altered...a path different from the one I had supposed, from the one that was planned. The original path had a clear ending, the happy ending that had been the plan, the goal for 34 years. The path that had been promised, or maybe (in reality) the one that had been hoped for is no longer one that I can walk.

Life is hard, its supposed to be. We are here to learn, to grow, to experience trials and choose for ourselves where our next steps will take us. We walk a path of uncertainty it seems, so many things are beyond our ability to control. They slide in and out of our lives, bringing heartache and joy and lessons to learn. Every day we face something new, for good or bad. And it molds and shapes us.

But I think the hardest part about life is those we allow into it. Some are there only briefly and others much longer. Either can leave a mark, and I have been molded and shaped by all of them.

A relationship that took more than it gave, and taught a young girl a lesson of sorrow, but also of courage.
A friend gained over a car horn in the night---a friendship that has been forever, at times distant yet always there.
A friend gained during weekend youth conference who shared a message never forgotten, a message that gave a sure foundation when it was needed--a brief moment in time yet profound.
Four children that are loved so much, who brought joy, happiness, a feeling of completeness, and yet also pain, sorrow and a sense of failure.
A love that was supposed to last, but somehow got lost along the way...and there the path diverges.

Where do I go from here? This path that lies before me is unknown, and rather lonely. I want to say I am not afraid, but in truth.. I am. I am afraid of what lies beyond the next turn. I am afraid of what I might find out about myself on this journey. I am afraid of what I will leave behind, of the price that has been paid or will be paid as I take the next step.

But I am reminded that "Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations."

And so I step on the path and begin....

What am I worth?

So many times we base our personal worth on the opinions of others. We do it at work, in society, in friendships, in personal relationships, even in marriage. We fall into the idea of "not being good enough" or "not meeting the other persons expectations" We even find ourselves loosing hope in a brighter future because we feel like we are falling short of what we THINK people expect of us--in that way we tell ourselves "I will never be good enough for anyone". We close ourselves off to finding joy in each other for fear of rejection, disappointment or disapproval. A while ago I found this image...and it spoke to my heart. I am enough.... I AM ENOUGH....I am enough for myself, I am enough for anyone...take me as I am today, without expecting me to be different or to change to fit your expectations... take me with all my imperfections, and weaknesses along with all my strengths and abilities. I AM ENOUGH. Now that does not mean I do not need to give all that I can to others, to improve and do better in human relationships or in life in general, but it does mean that I should be taken as I am. If I change it is because I choose to, it is because I see a personal need for improvement not because it was expected of me or because I was told I needed to. If there is a flaw in me, it is a part of who I am, and no one in this world is perfect so be sure if you look at my flaws you are seeing your own first. We are imperfect beings trying to live in an imperfect world, but I believe that a Perfect Being knows me for who I was, for who I am, and for who I can become, and through that knowledge I know that in everything else, and for anyone else. I AM ENOUGH.

One stitch out of place

Have you ever worked on a Cross Stitch pattern? A simple combination of little "x's" stitched onto fabric using varied colors create a beautiful image.

I used to do this all the time.  It was almost therapeutic to move the needle in and out, up and down as the image would begin to take shape. There is a pattern that you follow, with instructions on what color to use, how many strands of thread goes through the needle and even what kind of "x" to make.

I would often get into such a rhythm that I would not realize until several stitched later that I had made a mistake. I had not paid close attention to the pattern, I had not counted the exact number of "x's" on that row, so now my stitched were off and the pattern no longer lined up correctly.

Now in most cases I would be the only one that would know it was off, I could hide it with a different color or just move the next line over a little bit. But in doing so it was marred in some way, no longer perfect. Other cases it was very evident that I had erred in my design, it no longer reflected the pattern I was following.

The choice was to either leave it, knowing it was wrong and justifying the error by saying "It was just one stitch that was off" or "It doesn't really matter that it is different from the pattern".

Or I could go back and remove each incorrect stitch until I was back to where the error took place. I would then start over on that section and making my way across the fabric, the pattern now correct and in line with the instructions provided. The mistake was no longer there, it had been erased.

You probably already see the analogy that is coming.

We are going through life following the pattern set by our Father in Heaven and our Savior and brother Jesus Christ. They provided us with an amazing set of instructions. They are simple and yet detailed. We use many different colors as we make choices each day creating the beautiful image of our lives.

And yes....we make mistakes. We get distracted and wander from the pattern we are trying to complete. We do not pay close attention to the instructions, or where we are putting the needle or even what color of thread we are using.

We can pretend that nothing happened, we can just quietly realign ourselves with the pattern and continue on, but we will always see the "x" that is in the wrong place, or that is the wrong color. And the person who created the instructions and the pattern will also know it is wrong.

Or we can go back to where we made the mistake.... we can confess the error, and sincerely repent by removing it from the pattern of our life. And then we can go forward creating the perfect image according to the pattern of the gospel we are following.

President Boyd K. Packer said " The Atonement leaves no tracks, no traces. What it fixes is fixed, It heals...and what is heals stays healed.

What an amazing gift we have been given. I plan on following the pattern closely and removing any incorrect stitches I make along the way.

Perspective

When I look out the window what do I see

As the world unfolds in front of me?

I see beauty , I see life….I see chaos and strife

Two sides to a coin, opposing views

How I see the world is mine to choose.

When I look at a stranger, friend or neighbor

And glimpse behind the shield the favor

I see love, kindness…and I see hope sprout

I see anger, frustration…and I see doubt,

Two souls, One person. Opposing views

How I see those around me is mine to choose.

When I look in the mirror, who do I see

In the person staring back at me?

I see courage and beauty… a person divine

I see fear, anxiety and darkness entwine.

Two faces, one person-opposing views

How I see myself, is mine to choose

Perception is tricky, it clouds our thoughts

I tells us to judge without seeing the cost

Two sides, two souls, two faces, which path?

For me I will choose the better half.

The Long Way Home

Have you ever taken the long way home....on purpose? I love doing this. In fact I try to find a new way home as often as I can. Why? Because it teaches me to see....

I have heard the saying "Seeing is believing" But I also have heard "Believing is the beginning of Seeing". I believe we live in an amazing, beautiful world. We are surrounded by it, but in our busy daily lived how often do we stop to actually look at it?

I had a co-worker comment on a photo I took one snowy morning. It was of a little cottage just up the road from our office. It sits back against the trees like a little hideaway. I have always loved the look of this house. This particular morning it was covered with a fresh blanket of snow. I had to stop and catch the moment. My co-worker said that now...whenever he drives by that house he sees it in a different way.

I also take my camera with me almost every day. Some days I never use it, others it becomes my therapy session. I even named my camera "Videre" which means "To See". And yes, I do see so much more through its eyes...

Even on trips, whenever possible,  I choose a different way home than the one I took to get there. And I am never disappointed.

The Long Way Home does not always mean the amount of miles driven...it means taking the time to see what you are driving past. Appreciating the diversity in people, the colors of the parks, the trees, the mountains, the clouds.... did you know they change every day?

"Take time to notice the things that other people are missing"